Reminder....

The purpose of this site is to provoke thought spark convos that ultimately led to solutions in what ever problems the reader may have. The dialogue between my co-host and I often leads to helping heal areas in our own lives and I hope we can help the readers as much as writing these posts helps us. Thank you. And with that said...
How did I know you would end up giving me advice on the last post and not include some of your own relationship dilemmas?! This aint "Dear Abby" or "Dear Simplicity" I should say! That's the only problem I have with our postings: there's no ebb and flow- no back and forth. Its serve, then volley, then game over.
Well dear as much as I appreciate the advice I would also like to hear about your relationships. With men with friends, family with abstract things like writing and so forth. But before we get to that I must admit you made some valuable points and assessments. I never fully get over and past love. I get passed it and move on but part of my heart will forever be on that plane where our love existed. Part of the decision to cut off the two women would be me making a conscious effort to say I don't care what they think- although I do care how they feel- this decision was made for me and others and not the 2 ex loves. I can only hope that they'd understand my position and subsequent decision. I've actually began working on righting my relationships but I will always feel God made me a little different emotionally. I will always be void of truly fulfilling and balanced human contact- I am an island...I am legend. Ok just kidding had to do a quick theater monologue for comedic relief! But Simplicity to keep that writing momentum you have going tell me a bit about the relationships in your life.

Simplicity:

Honestly... the relationships in my life..... are insignificant to my current state of being, they do not coexist with one another.
My family, like many other's is dysfunctional. Am I concerned with the dwindling relationships between my siblings and I? Or the lack of conversation between my father and I? Or are the more stressed and bitter words that leave my mother's mouth painstaking and unbearable? The answer to any of these questions can't be determined until I figure out my relationship with myself.
I have the tendency to define myself through experiences I've had, mistakes I've made, choices I've made, values I hold and more often that not what I do.
But, yet something continues to feel like it's missing and I'm coming to the conclusion that it might possibly be an unquestionable, irreversible flaw within myself.
My independent attitude and stubborn, strong personality don't allow me to take sh*t from anyone and this can deem me unapproachable in the eyes of some beholders or in the eyes of others; absolutely admirable.
My unpredictability in never sticking with the norm and doing the complete opposite of what others may expect of me leaves others intrigued yet at the end of the night... while I embrace all of my flaws and traits as the sole foundation of me, I'm not 100% happy with me. That's the one relationship I'm concerned with. I know you say this is supposed to be thought provoking and spark conversations etc, and that we should avoid resorting back to our own personal situations, but truthfully the reason I'm so conflicted within myself is this:
I found myself along the way attempting to be someone I'm not for the sake of others, and I hated that me... then I met you and I found myself as comfortable with the me that always felt a need to change. I felt myself being loved by someone who accepted me without needing me to be someone else. I felt myself growing and becoming more understanding of people, and the differences and similarities between men and women. Therefore the separation within our relationship has left me torn between a realm of remembering the ease in which I was able to coexist with you vs. the pain of hiding the real me for someone else's satisfaction.

As for relationships with men, I hate to say it but there are none if there's nothing with you I've lost all interested in carrying out relationships/friendships that mean much of anything to me with other men... a little birdie once told me that men and women can't be good friends without alterior motives and I guess in a lot of cases I started to see that is true.. (still a few exceptions but who knows when that will take a turn for a worse).

p.s. I've even lost a few friends because of my opinions that I guess were too much for them to handle and maintaining my own self dignity with respect to, let's say, being viewed as a sex symbol and not a substantial young woman....
I suppose the truth is ugly and I'm dishing it out in every waking moment without a care in the world for how others might receive it.

Relationships

Mine recently seem to be deteriorating. Beit due to my submergence in work or me trying to work things out, I've noticed that I have fallen short in many of my most valued relationships. I'm not just talking about love interest, but also loved ones. One of my best friends is incarcerated and I've been doing my part to support him but lately I haven't been communicating w / him (haven't written him or answered some of his recent phone calls) nor have I shown the same zealous in handling some of his requests. I attribute my lack to having a lack of time. But the odd thing about this particular situation is that after verbally agreeing to do these things for him he sent me a thank you card. Upon receiving it I knew right there the chances of me doing these things he asked were slim to none. Why is that? Lately if it feels as if anyone shows the slightest gratitude towards me I'm then turned off so to speak from the deed. Two of my most valued and coveted relationships are with two females with whom I shared a strong emotional attachment. I once even visioned married life with each of these women. But now despite my efforts I cannot love these women as I would like to, as platonic friends. This I mainly attribute to my girls' discomfort in me remaining close friends with these women. But each of them have expressed to me recently a disappointment if you will, in my ability to be a true friend to them. That's a tough one. This is where loyalty is defined and tested. Could one- or better yet should a person be a true friend to these ladies despite that persons' significant others' wishes or should said person honor their mate and no longer be friends??? This is one we've all come across.
It would be easier to answer perhaps if my relationship with my girl was peachy but it is anything but. We've been together for a long time now and this may be my most "damaged" relationship. I won't go into details but let's just say things can be a lot better and hopefully they turn that way before its too late. Despite her efforts I cannot love her as I once did. What is wrong with me?!
My struggles even enter the realm of family. I don't talk to my mother as much as I should, I recently had a falling out with my sister which seems to have been since smoothed out. I barely talk to my brothers or my best friend- and I used to talk to them daily. Yes I am extremely busy at work and maybe my true problem is balancing time at work with my personal life but I wonder on a deeper level if there is some unconscious undertone within me that prevents me from valuing or preserving meaningful relationships. If so, I'd like to fix that so what the hell do I do??!!

Simplicity:

Sean, no one can tell you what to do... you've already recognized there is a problem which is the first step in fixing it... The fact that you're unsure of your feelings or sure that they aren't what you would want them to be in a relationship then I believe it's obvious that a change needs to be made. If you feel that maintaining friendships with these 2 women* that you previously had strong feelings for.... or may still have feelings for.. whatever the case may be, is problematic and you can live with not being friends with them then I think you know what you need to do. But, if you can't see a life without one or both of them in it in one way or another that you need to reevaluate your current relationship and whether or not it's what you really want. This will be a constant topic between you and I because I can't tell you in many more ways than one that your happiness depends heavily on the situations you find yourself in on a daily basis. If you are not consistently happy in the place you call home then there is something missing that you can not force to be there. Happiness comes naturally when one is in his or her rightful place. We can agree to disagree on your situation considering you have a son who is your life and your role in his life and what that means... we don't need to go back there but I will ask you one thing. If you vow to make self sacrifices for someone else's subsequent happiness, how do you think these 2 women will feel about you deleting them out of their life for someone who doesn't make you smile or laugh as much as one of these 2 might, or provoke images of a very promising happy future with her like one of these other 2 might?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you will find yourself forever torn because once you've tasted life with someone else and seen that it is potentially better than what you currently have, it's hard to ignore that constant memory of it. Nothing trumps true love once one encounters it and you'll spend the rest of your life searching for something that resembles it and always fall short of it if it's not the original thing. I wish you the most of luck because I love you dearly and I hate that your heart is so conflicted.

As for homeboy who's incarcerated don't beat yourself up about it but please if you can, find the time to right whatever wrong you feel you've done, get him the items he's requested stop putting it off and thinking something is wrong with you! you are perfectly normal in an extraordinary way and you deserve more credit than you give yourself.

Ps.... not sure how I feel about the statement about once sharing an emotional attachment with each of these women.. does that mean that you're over both of them just the same? Interesting...

this is the first thing I've wrote in a long time and part of me feels like its gonna be the last for even longer of a time to come.... not sure why.

So, why do we cheat?(updated)

WELL! Can you say segue? Simplicity you all but concluded our latest post in your last post! After your insightful rant, I had to go here. It seems along the lines of discussing what makes others expendable we touched on infidelity. I know I know what took us so long! You simply can't have a male/female shared experience (in this case a blog) without getting into why we cheat. I could go a myriad of ways: men cheat because its our nature to conquer, men cheat because we are weak and can't resist temptation- dating back to the days of Adam, men cheat because the mathematics of it all the sheer numbers involved suggesting its 10 women for every 1 man! We have to have multiple women either that or there will be a lot of lonely, lesbians running around! But I digress; I won't quote none of those reasons. I'll give you the reason I suffered my indiscretions. I have to give it to your Simplicity on this one- the main reason I cheated was lack of fulfilment. My girl is great a wonderful young lady holds down the household handles her business takes care of my son like no other. But there's only so much one person can be. She can't be the master chef keeping the house immaculate knocking out the laundry AND be Vanessa Del Rio (porn star) all at the same time. And unfortunately in my immaturity one place I didn't accept a shortcoming was in the bedroom. So if my girl was too tired or didn't have enough time for I found someone with time and energy to match. That was my young mind not knowing any better. (Sometimes I got caught up and tryst that started out sexual blossomed into true love and had me stuck- but that's for a different post) Now my head is on straight and I look at my girl for ALL that she does provide instead of punishing her for that which she doesn't. Don't get me wrong she's no angel she's had her own indiscretions for reasons never voiced to me. And for insight on why she and many other women slip, Simplicity...

Simplicity:

...Speechless (7/7/2009)

OK... 2 days later after much thought has been put into this.. all I can say is that if ever I were to slip... or consider any form of slippage I would remove myself from the relationship deeming it inadequate to my existence. Women I assume would cheat for the same reasons as men and primarily because of a lack of fulfilment. BUT, did you see that new study that offers evidence that their may be a genetic or chemical composition within a man's DNA that may explain certain men's need or urge to cheat. Imagine that... men can be tested for this chemical imbalance that will let a woman know their man in literally incapable of being faithful!? LMAO... I don't know much more about it but I just thought it was interesting.

Let me apologize for the digression.

I have learned over time that in a relationship... it is natural to want for what isn't there.. However, in that same respect it is natural to equate one's happiness in that relationship as a measure against the qualities that do exist in the relationship. I personally believe that it is not immature to want the entire package bundled into one because when you find true love, it's a given. Granted life is difficult and times are hard, being with the person you have the utmost love and respect for, that does their best to give you everything you need and want makes it all the more worth while and all the more enjoyable that you won't take notice of any shortcomings if they even exist. I guess what I'm trying to say is... when you're in love it is more common to settle in the comfortable discomfort of a situation than to be faced with perfection. Therefore, we limit ourselves to accepting less than we deserve, or as natural lovers are entitled to.

SO, you can call yourself immature for feeling less fulfilled in certain aspects of your relationship ie. sex, but think about this;

If everything else in your life is hard word and dedication to other things and other people, shouldn't the wondrous and relieving act of sex be one of the most satisfying parts of the relationship being a tangible aspect of it????

Era of expendability

Sean:
So many of our fav songs and artist today drop cues on the feeling that we shouldn't get too comfortable in love because we are not irreplaceable. So often do we hear in our music and see in real life the acceptance of cheating and infidelity. My questions are when and how did we get away from the time where our pop music crooners begged and swooned their love interest to stay or pledged their undying devotion to that ONE person that made them feel special. When did love become expendable? Think of your relationships and if you are not in one think of past ones or even future preferences. What are some things that make your significant other expendable? I mean besides the obvious cheating and lack of trust, what qualities do they bring to the table that make you feel as if you need an upgrade?
For me as trite as this may sound sex is the determining factor in regards to expendability. I'm not saying this is a "right" way to evaluate love interest but in my past the one thing I had the most trouble with was infidelity. And my rationale would be that all the emotional things- the rapport, the warm feelings of love, etc or all the support- the cooking, the cleaning, the insightful views, etc I got from one woman/relationship, I could get from another woman AND have better sex with that next woman. Like I said its may not be the most thoughtful or sensitive way of looking at it but it was my thought process.

Simplicity:
My dear Sean,
You never fail to amaze me with your valuable insight. This is why men and women are forever struggling to find their own comfort and happiness. I'd agree with you 100% that as trite as it may sound, sex is the determining factor. Let me present my case; Every one has relationships... everyone meets new people and at times may try to establish something with that other person. But, is it not true love when you find that one person that does all of the common things plus provides you with the feeling of never wanting for anything more from anyone. Granted sex is not the sole purpose of a relationship, but sex plays a major part. If one is NOT sexually satisfied, it is not an act of greed to seek it from elsewhere. The issue with infidelity is this:
Some men and women cheat just because they can and for the simple fact that if they don't like it they can always return home because sadly their main chick or dude isn't gonna go anywhere.
Others cheat because there is something lacking, ie. fulfilling sex and the rest of the package bundled into one. This is where we find ourselves falling victim to love in its truest purest form because she always comes at the perfectly worst time. You can't stop yourself from falling in love with your soul mate. (Yea i said it, SOUL MATE)
Whether you're in a relationship with someone that makes you content or are single, it is impossible to ignore true love once it comes knocking and places things in a brand new perspective. Naturally, within infidelity, the act of lovemaking becomes a huge factor because you end up learning another person through that one act. It is up to you to choose to move forward with it or walk away and mindblowing, passionate, sex... that's the greatest indicator of an unhappiness you couldn't quite put your finger on before. We were placed here for specific reasons, some known others aren't... Woman was made for Man, and my argument is... who says we are to settle if we haven't found exactly what we want in one person. Furthermore... if we have, who are we to deny ourselves the person that was evidently made for us?

On the other hand, our lives are about comparisons and if you want to ask what makes one's current situation or relationship expendable... i'd answer with this... It's the comparisons and conclusions you make and draw between one person and the next that indicate the lackluster personality of one and the "phenomenalness" (<- just for you Sean) of another. So maybe for some... those of us who aren't exactly where we want to be with regard to relationships...infidelity is the key to finding their own happiness.