Late Night Thinking

Simplicity:
Sometimes, I wonder if being such a strong advocate for words is just setting myself up for a large amount of disappoint.
I used to breathe lines of poetry and inhale revelations from provoking thoughts and queries.
We played with impossibilities beyond our reach,
Indulged in the realm of absurdity and awoke unscathed,
At least, externally.
Sean used to tell me, he loved me like his next breath counted on it... But, now, that statement is hardly offered unprompted. So what does it mean?
This has all been a lie? Sean and I were just wishful thinking?
We were simply feeding you bullsh*t and calling it reality?
Love is in fact, only what you make it, and we shouldn't aim for the stars in
our dreams of finding Mr. or Mrs. Right?
I'd be a blatant liar if I sat here and said simply yes to all of these things.
Because, despite those moments of extreme doubt in the truth of Sean and I that present time has been slapping me in the face with, the past is a strong thing and she wins time and time again with her logical reasoning.
As much as I've tried to downplay the intensity with which we evolved, I learned, that I am no stronger, nor wiser than he is, and whether we like it or not, we fell in love.
That is the beauty of love at least to me. I imagine Sean would disagree entirely, but I'm over arguing with him because this is my belief and I'm standing by it.
I've noticed those with whom i've spoke about the notion of love can only speak of it as just that, a notion.
Whereas I've lived in it, felt it consume the very breath of me,
watched it heal me when I felt completely broken, listened to it sing me to sleep.
So you wonder if it's real? How can it not be?
It's as real as you allow it to be and I suppose I screwed myself over because I gave a guy named Sean the benefit of the doubt and although mentally I'm above May,
emotionally I'm consumed in it on my day-to-day.
My heart can't find a way to detach itself from the foundation he lay for her. And I mean that literally, much less poetically than the typical "Simplicity"statement.
I don't know if I'll get the feedback I want or feel like I need on this one, but Sean did a number on me when he walked into my life on February 18th, and I can't say I'd have it any other way.

Reminder....

The purpose of this site is to provoke thought spark convos that ultimately led to solutions in what ever problems the reader may have. The dialogue between my co-host and I often leads to helping heal areas in our own lives and I hope we can help the readers as much as writing these posts helps us. Thank you. And with that said...
How did I know you would end up giving me advice on the last post and not include some of your own relationship dilemmas?! This aint "Dear Abby" or "Dear Simplicity" I should say! That's the only problem I have with our postings: there's no ebb and flow- no back and forth. Its serve, then volley, then game over.
Well dear as much as I appreciate the advice I would also like to hear about your relationships. With men with friends, family with abstract things like writing and so forth. But before we get to that I must admit you made some valuable points and assessments. I never fully get over and past love. I get passed it and move on but part of my heart will forever be on that plane where our love existed. Part of the decision to cut off the two women would be me making a conscious effort to say I don't care what they think- although I do care how they feel- this decision was made for me and others and not the 2 ex loves. I can only hope that they'd understand my position and subsequent decision. I've actually began working on righting my relationships but I will always feel God made me a little different emotionally. I will always be void of truly fulfilling and balanced human contact- I am an island...I am legend. Ok just kidding had to do a quick theater monologue for comedic relief! But Simplicity to keep that writing momentum you have going tell me a bit about the relationships in your life.

Simplicity:

Honestly... the relationships in my life..... are insignificant to my current state of being, they do not coexist with one another.
My family, like many other's is dysfunctional. Am I concerned with the dwindling relationships between my siblings and I? Or the lack of conversation between my father and I? Or are the more stressed and bitter words that leave my mother's mouth painstaking and unbearable? The answer to any of these questions can't be determined until I figure out my relationship with myself.
I have the tendency to define myself through experiences I've had, mistakes I've made, choices I've made, values I hold and more often that not what I do.
But, yet something continues to feel like it's missing and I'm coming to the conclusion that it might possibly be an unquestionable, irreversible flaw within myself.
My independent attitude and stubborn, strong personality don't allow me to take sh*t from anyone and this can deem me unapproachable in the eyes of some beholders or in the eyes of others; absolutely admirable.
My unpredictability in never sticking with the norm and doing the complete opposite of what others may expect of me leaves others intrigued yet at the end of the night... while I embrace all of my flaws and traits as the sole foundation of me, I'm not 100% happy with me. That's the one relationship I'm concerned with. I know you say this is supposed to be thought provoking and spark conversations etc, and that we should avoid resorting back to our own personal situations, but truthfully the reason I'm so conflicted within myself is this:
I found myself along the way attempting to be someone I'm not for the sake of others, and I hated that me... then I met you and I found myself as comfortable with the me that always felt a need to change. I felt myself being loved by someone who accepted me without needing me to be someone else. I felt myself growing and becoming more understanding of people, and the differences and similarities between men and women. Therefore the separation within our relationship has left me torn between a realm of remembering the ease in which I was able to coexist with you vs. the pain of hiding the real me for someone else's satisfaction.

As for relationships with men, I hate to say it but there are none if there's nothing with you I've lost all interested in carrying out relationships/friendships that mean much of anything to me with other men... a little birdie once told me that men and women can't be good friends without alterior motives and I guess in a lot of cases I started to see that is true.. (still a few exceptions but who knows when that will take a turn for a worse).

p.s. I've even lost a few friends because of my opinions that I guess were too much for them to handle and maintaining my own self dignity with respect to, let's say, being viewed as a sex symbol and not a substantial young woman....
I suppose the truth is ugly and I'm dishing it out in every waking moment without a care in the world for how others might receive it.

Relationships

Mine recently seem to be deteriorating. Beit due to my submergence in work or me trying to work things out, I've noticed that I have fallen short in many of my most valued relationships. I'm not just talking about love interest, but also loved ones. One of my best friends is incarcerated and I've been doing my part to support him but lately I haven't been communicating w / him (haven't written him or answered some of his recent phone calls) nor have I shown the same zealous in handling some of his requests. I attribute my lack to having a lack of time. But the odd thing about this particular situation is that after verbally agreeing to do these things for him he sent me a thank you card. Upon receiving it I knew right there the chances of me doing these things he asked were slim to none. Why is that? Lately if it feels as if anyone shows the slightest gratitude towards me I'm then turned off so to speak from the deed. Two of my most valued and coveted relationships are with two females with whom I shared a strong emotional attachment. I once even visioned married life with each of these women. But now despite my efforts I cannot love these women as I would like to, as platonic friends. This I mainly attribute to my girls' discomfort in me remaining close friends with these women. But each of them have expressed to me recently a disappointment if you will, in my ability to be a true friend to them. That's a tough one. This is where loyalty is defined and tested. Could one- or better yet should a person be a true friend to these ladies despite that persons' significant others' wishes or should said person honor their mate and no longer be friends??? This is one we've all come across.
It would be easier to answer perhaps if my relationship with my girl was peachy but it is anything but. We've been together for a long time now and this may be my most "damaged" relationship. I won't go into details but let's just say things can be a lot better and hopefully they turn that way before its too late. Despite her efforts I cannot love her as I once did. What is wrong with me?!
My struggles even enter the realm of family. I don't talk to my mother as much as I should, I recently had a falling out with my sister which seems to have been since smoothed out. I barely talk to my brothers or my best friend- and I used to talk to them daily. Yes I am extremely busy at work and maybe my true problem is balancing time at work with my personal life but I wonder on a deeper level if there is some unconscious undertone within me that prevents me from valuing or preserving meaningful relationships. If so, I'd like to fix that so what the hell do I do??!!

Simplicity:

Sean, no one can tell you what to do... you've already recognized there is a problem which is the first step in fixing it... The fact that you're unsure of your feelings or sure that they aren't what you would want them to be in a relationship then I believe it's obvious that a change needs to be made. If you feel that maintaining friendships with these 2 women* that you previously had strong feelings for.... or may still have feelings for.. whatever the case may be, is problematic and you can live with not being friends with them then I think you know what you need to do. But, if you can't see a life without one or both of them in it in one way or another that you need to reevaluate your current relationship and whether or not it's what you really want. This will be a constant topic between you and I because I can't tell you in many more ways than one that your happiness depends heavily on the situations you find yourself in on a daily basis. If you are not consistently happy in the place you call home then there is something missing that you can not force to be there. Happiness comes naturally when one is in his or her rightful place. We can agree to disagree on your situation considering you have a son who is your life and your role in his life and what that means... we don't need to go back there but I will ask you one thing. If you vow to make self sacrifices for someone else's subsequent happiness, how do you think these 2 women will feel about you deleting them out of their life for someone who doesn't make you smile or laugh as much as one of these 2 might, or provoke images of a very promising happy future with her like one of these other 2 might?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you will find yourself forever torn because once you've tasted life with someone else and seen that it is potentially better than what you currently have, it's hard to ignore that constant memory of it. Nothing trumps true love once one encounters it and you'll spend the rest of your life searching for something that resembles it and always fall short of it if it's not the original thing. I wish you the most of luck because I love you dearly and I hate that your heart is so conflicted.

As for homeboy who's incarcerated don't beat yourself up about it but please if you can, find the time to right whatever wrong you feel you've done, get him the items he's requested stop putting it off and thinking something is wrong with you! you are perfectly normal in an extraordinary way and you deserve more credit than you give yourself.

Ps.... not sure how I feel about the statement about once sharing an emotional attachment with each of these women.. does that mean that you're over both of them just the same? Interesting...

this is the first thing I've wrote in a long time and part of me feels like its gonna be the last for even longer of a time to come.... not sure why.

So, why do we cheat?(updated)

WELL! Can you say segue? Simplicity you all but concluded our latest post in your last post! After your insightful rant, I had to go here. It seems along the lines of discussing what makes others expendable we touched on infidelity. I know I know what took us so long! You simply can't have a male/female shared experience (in this case a blog) without getting into why we cheat. I could go a myriad of ways: men cheat because its our nature to conquer, men cheat because we are weak and can't resist temptation- dating back to the days of Adam, men cheat because the mathematics of it all the sheer numbers involved suggesting its 10 women for every 1 man! We have to have multiple women either that or there will be a lot of lonely, lesbians running around! But I digress; I won't quote none of those reasons. I'll give you the reason I suffered my indiscretions. I have to give it to your Simplicity on this one- the main reason I cheated was lack of fulfilment. My girl is great a wonderful young lady holds down the household handles her business takes care of my son like no other. But there's only so much one person can be. She can't be the master chef keeping the house immaculate knocking out the laundry AND be Vanessa Del Rio (porn star) all at the same time. And unfortunately in my immaturity one place I didn't accept a shortcoming was in the bedroom. So if my girl was too tired or didn't have enough time for I found someone with time and energy to match. That was my young mind not knowing any better. (Sometimes I got caught up and tryst that started out sexual blossomed into true love and had me stuck- but that's for a different post) Now my head is on straight and I look at my girl for ALL that she does provide instead of punishing her for that which she doesn't. Don't get me wrong she's no angel she's had her own indiscretions for reasons never voiced to me. And for insight on why she and many other women slip, Simplicity...

Simplicity:

...Speechless (7/7/2009)

OK... 2 days later after much thought has been put into this.. all I can say is that if ever I were to slip... or consider any form of slippage I would remove myself from the relationship deeming it inadequate to my existence. Women I assume would cheat for the same reasons as men and primarily because of a lack of fulfilment. BUT, did you see that new study that offers evidence that their may be a genetic or chemical composition within a man's DNA that may explain certain men's need or urge to cheat. Imagine that... men can be tested for this chemical imbalance that will let a woman know their man in literally incapable of being faithful!? LMAO... I don't know much more about it but I just thought it was interesting.

Let me apologize for the digression.

I have learned over time that in a relationship... it is natural to want for what isn't there.. However, in that same respect it is natural to equate one's happiness in that relationship as a measure against the qualities that do exist in the relationship. I personally believe that it is not immature to want the entire package bundled into one because when you find true love, it's a given. Granted life is difficult and times are hard, being with the person you have the utmost love and respect for, that does their best to give you everything you need and want makes it all the more worth while and all the more enjoyable that you won't take notice of any shortcomings if they even exist. I guess what I'm trying to say is... when you're in love it is more common to settle in the comfortable discomfort of a situation than to be faced with perfection. Therefore, we limit ourselves to accepting less than we deserve, or as natural lovers are entitled to.

SO, you can call yourself immature for feeling less fulfilled in certain aspects of your relationship ie. sex, but think about this;

If everything else in your life is hard word and dedication to other things and other people, shouldn't the wondrous and relieving act of sex be one of the most satisfying parts of the relationship being a tangible aspect of it????

Era of expendability

Sean:
So many of our fav songs and artist today drop cues on the feeling that we shouldn't get too comfortable in love because we are not irreplaceable. So often do we hear in our music and see in real life the acceptance of cheating and infidelity. My questions are when and how did we get away from the time where our pop music crooners begged and swooned their love interest to stay or pledged their undying devotion to that ONE person that made them feel special. When did love become expendable? Think of your relationships and if you are not in one think of past ones or even future preferences. What are some things that make your significant other expendable? I mean besides the obvious cheating and lack of trust, what qualities do they bring to the table that make you feel as if you need an upgrade?
For me as trite as this may sound sex is the determining factor in regards to expendability. I'm not saying this is a "right" way to evaluate love interest but in my past the one thing I had the most trouble with was infidelity. And my rationale would be that all the emotional things- the rapport, the warm feelings of love, etc or all the support- the cooking, the cleaning, the insightful views, etc I got from one woman/relationship, I could get from another woman AND have better sex with that next woman. Like I said its may not be the most thoughtful or sensitive way of looking at it but it was my thought process.

Simplicity:
My dear Sean,
You never fail to amaze me with your valuable insight. This is why men and women are forever struggling to find their own comfort and happiness. I'd agree with you 100% that as trite as it may sound, sex is the determining factor. Let me present my case; Every one has relationships... everyone meets new people and at times may try to establish something with that other person. But, is it not true love when you find that one person that does all of the common things plus provides you with the feeling of never wanting for anything more from anyone. Granted sex is not the sole purpose of a relationship, but sex plays a major part. If one is NOT sexually satisfied, it is not an act of greed to seek it from elsewhere. The issue with infidelity is this:
Some men and women cheat just because they can and for the simple fact that if they don't like it they can always return home because sadly their main chick or dude isn't gonna go anywhere.
Others cheat because there is something lacking, ie. fulfilling sex and the rest of the package bundled into one. This is where we find ourselves falling victim to love in its truest purest form because she always comes at the perfectly worst time. You can't stop yourself from falling in love with your soul mate. (Yea i said it, SOUL MATE)
Whether you're in a relationship with someone that makes you content or are single, it is impossible to ignore true love once it comes knocking and places things in a brand new perspective. Naturally, within infidelity, the act of lovemaking becomes a huge factor because you end up learning another person through that one act. It is up to you to choose to move forward with it or walk away and mindblowing, passionate, sex... that's the greatest indicator of an unhappiness you couldn't quite put your finger on before. We were placed here for specific reasons, some known others aren't... Woman was made for Man, and my argument is... who says we are to settle if we haven't found exactly what we want in one person. Furthermore... if we have, who are we to deny ourselves the person that was evidently made for us?

On the other hand, our lives are about comparisons and if you want to ask what makes one's current situation or relationship expendable... i'd answer with this... It's the comparisons and conclusions you make and draw between one person and the next that indicate the lackluster personality of one and the "phenomenalness" (<- just for you Sean) of another. So maybe for some... those of us who aren't exactly where we want to be with regard to relationships...infidelity is the key to finding their own happiness.

in love or indifferent?

"Success is uncommon, therefore not to be enjoyed by the common man. I'm looking for uncommon people."

I think I made no bones about it in my last post that I'm not the biggest "fan" of love. But while my favorite writer (checkout candicesonya.blogspot.com) is taking a hiatus from intriguing us with poetic masterpieces on the subject of affection to talk about Bikes (for real though- bikes? What are you jay-z and that's your "death of auto tune"? Have you run out of things to say?!")I will take up the task of provoking your thoughts on love.
When scrolling through the list of things you love about your significant other, ever notice that you mention things that are totally generic and very rarely unique to that person? We say things that can be found in almost any other human being: his/her smile, she's nice or thoughtful, he's tall dark and handsome etc.»Who isn't?!
For example I fell in love with two woman of very similar qualities: beautiful, thick, smart and funny. Now its very rare for me to find women funny and this led to me being so in love with these two phenomenal women- but overall there are literally millions of smart funny pretty thick women and 80% of them could be found in college! So I have to ask myself do I run the risk of falling in love with every woman that fits this build? And if so I must attest that it wasn't the two aforementioned ladies that I was in love with- it was their type that truly captivated me. So is the true conquest of happiness through finding your soul mate a matter of finding that true love- which are ultimately just an uncommon blend of common characteristics or finding that person who is totally different from anything you ever encountered?
I'm egotistical so for me to be comfortable in any relationship I have to believe that I am absolute best choice for the person I'm with. I can't feel as if the other person is simply settling for me: I have to be their number 1 choice among a plethora of viable options. So to achieve this I try to differentiate myself from every other man on earth! I want to be everything to my lady; so that when asked why she's in love with me she says things that are uniquely me, (he's funny handsome, brilliant strong cooks cleans gives me pedis remodels the house changes my tires fixes my alternator does my hair sews my gowns- ok no one man does all that but u get the idea!) she says things that no other female can name while detailing the reason they love their mates, she says "I love him because he's Sean (and there's no other man on earth like him)."
Simplicity...?

Simplicity:

"his/her smile, she's nice or thoughtful, he's tall dark and handsome etc.»???" All of these things are unique to an individual as they can be nice in emotional and physical ways, her smile can bring you to your brightest of smiles, her height and features can be so perfectly fitting to specifically her.

There's nothing wrong with voicing the tangible things be them generic in your opinion because the way you are or your generic qualities are specific to you.

I have struggled time and again trying to decipher or explain rather, why you love a person... but the main qualities about someone are physical and that is what initially draws you to them. The emotional aspects, him/her being funny and intellectual follow the initial attraction and exploring that emotional in addition to the physical is what makes us connect to other people. The man that I'm in love with will most definitely be unique because otherwise I'd be a big mess in love with everyone else that makes me laugh and is somewhat handsome. But, it has to do with the level of comfort you establish with a person, the laughter and great conversations are feasible with anyone but it's with whom you feel most stimulated that you can't wait to continue or spark a new conversation with.

I will argue that every time a person loves someone it is a different and unique experience. AND, it is not generic to point out the obvious things because those things are generic in the broad sense however, those obvious things are ultimately what leads a person to find their counterpart in another and to be able to experience being in love.

So in love vs. indifferent...?
If you have to question it, I'd question my own reason for being on this Earth, and the reason for which that person entered your life and stirred up all these conflicting, confusing, badly-timed feelings and emotions.

Is love over rated?

Mmmmm. I know unequivocally this will draw Simplicity's ire. She is a huge believer in love. A follower of love...Much like its a religion. Me? I'm neutral to a fault. No religion to claim no real passion for life. I just exist. But I'm more a fan of happiness and every one's own rightful pursuit of happiness. So I ponder can one have happiness without having "true love"? I mean that 1 true person who was created purely to spend the rest of eternity with you type of true love. I would have to say yes. I may be a bit materialistic but give me a full bank account and an empty bed over a full bed and empty bank account. Those who say money can't buy happiness never had money before. Now I'm no Bill Gates but I had a nice run and one Summer in particular was "The Summer of Sean". I didn't have a love on my arm- I had plenty of loves on my arms!!!lol. But each time in my life maybe 3-4 times, that I think I stumbled upon my true love it has never worked out and it ends in heart ache. So what is this thing called love? It won't clothe you feed you shelter you so why is it necessary?
(This is what u call an ally hoop! Simplicity, I served this one up to you on a platter, a lay up! Go ahead & take it away...)

Simplicity:

Okay Sean, since you have obviously lost your mind I'm going to have to go off on this one.
Granted you are constantly playing devil's advocate, i find it hard to sit here and read your words as truth.
Men and women differ in many ways, but love?
Love is the one thing that brings a man and a woman together, that allows them to forget all the other bullshit, even if only momentarily and enter a state of exploration together. Now, many people may make the argument that true love is subjective, this is true.. BUT, there's no denying it's effects on us! Sean, you said the 3-4 times you thought you'd found your true love it ended in heart ache.... ask yourself why or how it ended that caused the heartache. I'm sure you were the creator of the end and thus brought about self-inflicted pain. But, also ask yourself, how were each of those instances different and try to observe those differences as growing points. Do you truly believe love is overrated if you've experienced 3 or 4 completely different things with 3 or 4 different women? Better yet, the feeling that you feel when it is forcefully brought to an end should be evidence enough that it's not overrated because it leaves you feeling empty when you no longer have it or are permitted to have it...
While you're in the state of being in love, you experience a happiness like no other. Granted, money makes the world go around... love makes us sane.
So, I'll challenge you to live the rest of your life in an empty bed with all the money in the world and then see me on the other side to tell me that love is overrated...
But wait, you'd never be able to do that because the love you have for your son is that of which you would never be able to live without.... I know we're talking about men and women, but love exists in many shapes and forms just on different levels.
I wouldn't say love is my religion... but I will say that I will never grow bitter towards it because it's been good to me.... the person or situations I've fallen in love with or in on the other hand may have been the cause for any lasting pain felt.
I'm not rich, and I'm also not poor, but I'm filled with a twinge of happiness as i have memories of my one true love to get me through this thing called life.
That's not ever to be considered overrated in my eyes.

we've all seen Love Jones if not... shame on you!... Real, Rugged, Raw emotions felt that couldn't keep these two apart, no matter how much hurt, bad timing, or distance was experienced or placed between them.... Movies are derived from real life situation and this was one of the realest movies I've ever seen.

She gets the kids he gets the bills

Why is it when men and women split its automatically assumed the women get the children? I have a real issue with that undocumented 'mandate'. (Unless you're Jon from "- Kate" shit all them damn kids? She got that! Just kidding)See women think the children are more theirs than it is a 50/50 split. Unless you were IV'd ladies you need the man just as much as he needed you to create this miracle. Women are the soil, the dirt-oops I mean the Earth, in which men plant the seed the oven in which men place the turkey or the proverbial "bun". The man places the ingredients for the child into the women. But I have women who insist they are more responsible for the birth of the child. Now granted I take nothing away from a woman's strong display during pregnancy. During pregnancy is like that adage about the bacon and egg breakfast: women became the pig and the men become the chickens in the bacon and egg breakfast. Meaning the mans involved but the woman's committed! But as for conception its 50/50 if not more towards the man in terms of "responsibility". But however the pregnancy stage does not give the woman the right to claim the child as "more hers" than the fathers. I believe that only men can raise men. So if I'm ever in a relationship that doesn't work and we have a son please believe I strongly support the notion that the boy should go with the father. Legal systems with its custody battles have it way too screwed up. Especially considering that some men pay child support for children that were proven in a court of law not to be theirs! Sorry ladies as progressive as I try to be I guess I'm old fashioned on this one to the men belong the sons.

Simplicity: (not really sure if I got that bacon and eggs metaphor Sean... but I'ma let you rock with that one : p )
Seeing as that I do not have a child, I'm not sure with how much validity I can speak. However,
I am aware of one too many situations where dramatic lifestyles are being lived out with regard to babies and parents.
Not being a mom, ladies, I can't quite argue for us keeping the kid especially as Sean makes a very good point:
If the man is willing to provide and support his son, he is the best person to raise him into a true, "man."
The same goes for women, a girl raised in the environment of a man without any female mother figures will view life from a different perspective than one raised by a woman.
Granted, I can't sit here and say that these two circumstances are inevitably tragic, because it's been done before but the bond between a mother and daughter and that between a man and woman is one that can not be replaced or regenerated with anyone else. I think it's a shame that we fall victim to the struggles of custody because if those in relationships could simply calm down and realize... this can be done. we both can be the parents of our children and make the compromise to willingly let the rightful person have the child the world would be a much more civilized place. However, this is not our dreams come true and reality is, many women do feel that carrying a child for 9 months warrants them all rights and custody to him or her.
Sean, you can't imagine the feelings that arise inside of a woman even when she simply suspects she's pregnant and doesn't know if she is or she isn't. But, at the same time the two of you felt a certain way about each other at a certain time which created this beautiful child so that same love and care that nurtured the baby thus far should be a great factor in the decision. It should not be a matter of arguing and who can provide the most supporting evidence for who is entitled to the child because frankly, you're right. It is a 50/50 process in terms of conception and those women who don't understand that it's a great thing to have a man wanting to own up to and care for his son are the one's that you should have avoided in the first place, because ultimately she never understood you to begin with!
While this is a scenario no one in a relationship looks forward to or plans for it is something that in this day and age should be looked at and addressed prior to any long term commitments even if its in a hypothetical sense, this way both men and women will know what possibilities exist.
I support the ratified "mandate" and agree that it should not be a fight or struggle and that this understanding should be enforced earlier than later.

P.s. just because the baby lives with one parent or another, does not mean the one he or she is not with falls absent to their upbringing, it just means he or she will be raised in one respect compared to another.

Got Kids?

Sean: So if you've noticed the posts this week following fathers day have been about manhood- & that's a complete coincidence. But since we're on that theme I figure we shall continue. Today I want to talk about a mans commitment to his family. I often worry that having a son would deter woman from wanting a relationship with me (if ever I needed to hit "the market" again and strike up a new relationship that is) and I have come across some that flat out said I don't date guys with kids. Wow! Women are something. But, the majority of the women I've encountered respects the responsibility that comes along with fatherhood. And if your a dad handling your business that says a lot to women and actually makes you a more attractive prospect. However I must pose this question to the fellas: if a woman has a child and she's doing everything taking care of the child does that make her a more "viable" option? Sadly I must admit most brothers are immature in the way we view relationships and things of that matter. Most men will opt for a woman w/o kids fearing...hell, I don't what they're afraid of! I know some ladies are wary of "Baby Mama Drama"- god I hate that term! So perhaps fellas fear a similar recourse from the father of a woman's child. See, my oldest brother who is many years my senior had his father die when he was a small child and my dad raised him from when he was a boy. So I have never had an issue with being with a woman with children because that's what I saw growing up. But for those with some hang ups about the issue I'd like to hear your opinions...

Simplicity:

Boys will be boys, and girls will be girls.
It takes a grown man, like Sean for instance to be willing to enter into a relationship with a woman that has a child. Likewise, it takes a grown woman to accept a man with a child.
I can speak from personal experience, as a young woman or girl I guess I should say I was terrified of dealing with a man with a child because I couldn't imagine being involved with a situation that involved the words, "Oh, I have the baby tonight," or "let me see if my son's mother will.." etc. But, ever since I was 18... it seemed as though the majority of quality men I'd come across were no stranger to fatherhood. I'll admit, at first it raised a big flag because there's no denying that it is an awkward situation.
Just until recently, I subliminally promised not to be with a man with a child because although i love a good competition, there's no competition between the new girl and the "baby's mama" (i hate that term too). And, part of me still believe that.
But, I will say my growth has allowed me to welcome the possibility of it.
Nothing in life is said to be easy, and I won't turn someone down just because he's already had a child. If we do, ladies, you never know the beautiful possibilities that could exist between the two of you.
Respect the man more so for taking up his responsibility and being a good father rather than judge him for getting a girl pregnant.
It happens, and lets be realistic statistics prove despite all necessary precautions... IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!
So men, please don't run scared from those of us women who have kids, (myself not being one of them but if I was I wouldn't want to fall into the category of Unwanted)
And ladies, give him a chance because maybe 1 time out of 10, the "baby mama" is truly just that and the feelings are gone... granted 9 times outta 10, she's not and you'll end up falling in love and getting pushed aside for her!.. that's the risk worth taking if you get to experience a true love.
Just kidding, it is a big risk, and it takes a strong, mature woman to be able to accept all possibilities in that situation, speaking from experience.
I'm a survivor so I can speak on this one with much validity... :)
Although I didn't win the competition that man learned a new walk of life and loved me like he will never love someone else and there's no denying that. It is simply a strong bond to break and it may never be broken between a man and the mother of his first child but if it's meant to be...
Hell, you know the rest!

Picking Up the Check: Why Can't She?

Simplicity:

This is not a promotional material for Independent Women, because let's face it ladies, as much as we love to do for ourselves there's nothing like having a man who wants to do for you. This is more about the understanding we have as to why we want to display our independence at times or in other words, insist on "picking up the check."

{Break in the post:: I truly wanted to speak on this before Mr. Champagne got his hands on it... but how can I carry on with my bravada of Womanhood after his views?! You can choose to scroll down and read Sean's response before mine as that is how it was posted. ANYWAY, back to the regularly scheduled program of "Picking Up the Check: Why Can't She?"}

Sean, while I understand your explanation as to why this act may pose a problem to your manhood.... Man Up! Lmao... okay, so we're constantly hearing that the views of others have nothing to do with you and the person you're dealing with. However, when it comes down to matters of tradition that is the #1 excuse men choose to explain their need for displaying their "manliness" in a relationship.
In 2009, I feel encouraged to support wherever possible. While some may argue that it's about being able to and has nothing to do with wanting to, I certainly have moments when I am so damn appreciative of having a man wanting and enable to pay for the movie, dinner, or 1.29 Coke from McDonald's just because I had a nonpregnant craving for it!
The gesture is sweet and the weariness of other's noticing me reaching into my wallet troubling your already somewhat troubled psyche or ego I guess I should say is amusing.
But, understand (for me at least) the insistence of picking up the check is to eliminate the potential for you complaining of being broke later! Ha! Okay.. that was a little harsh, but times are hard and no matter how well off someone may be.... or think they are... everyone could use a little help. If i can contribute in small or big ways I will most certainly opt to do so and would hope to be respected and admired for it not ridiculed and penalized with looks of "are you kidding?" or "put your damn hands down and don't you dare reach into your purse!"
I love that you are able to admit you've fallen victim to perception Sean... because we all do... but in the mind of myself and hopefully the remaining quality women out there, it is not about the perception of others. It is about the desire within to help those that we love.
Wouldn't you rather releasing a sigh of relief knowing that you got it but at the end of the day if it's necessary the beautiful woman beside you got you too?

I think this song is fitting although I couldn't find the original version:
"03" Bonnie & Clyde (Feat.Beyonce) - Jay-z

Sean:

Ah yes. Once again we are trapped in that paradigm known as public opinion and/or tradition. You know, the things that "THEY" say. "They" say men are suppose to open doors and pull chairs and pick up checks. Well have you ever asked yourself, "Who are "they" and should I believe what "they" say? We are constantly judged by our actions, based on the reasonable person mandate- Well I'm sorry but I'm not a reasonable person! I have trouble determining the etiquette involving the issue of women paying.
Honestly I believed it derived from a sense of entitlement. At the risk of sounding sleazy: I believe it came from an arrangement whereas if the man handled a dates expenses he felt and maybe even the woman felt she owed him. Yes, I mean sexually! Now, I like to try to be 'progressive' at least sometimes, and I understand the empowerment that comes with paying for things. So theoretically, I'm in full support of women paying, sometimes.(Especially because I'm cheap and put out easy ladies- just kidding...I'm rather expensive ha!)
However, I must admit I fall victim to perception and have on occasion had arguments with lady friends about them paying. At the time of purchase if a women goes for her purse it feels as if the entire establishment stops and looks at us and its a bit emasculating. You want the women to feel empowered but do you do it at the risk of being weakened? After much debate resulting from my female friends paying for things I've come up with the great compromise: in public the man shall pay and in private the lady shall reimburse him. And I don't mean sexually!

In response to Simplicity:
Ouch! I'm just saying sweetie if a woman goes out with a man and he doesn't pick up the check or atleast offer to, that will give you and your home girls fodder for years to come!
Homegirl #1: "Girl I'm glad you marrying Carl. You came a long way from dating chumps like...what was that guys name? The one you went to Che Maurices' with and he didn't even pick up the check?!"
Homegirl #2: "That was Carl. You see how much I trained him though right!!!"
Ya'll be all over a brother if he don't pay.
Simplicity- you know I know!

Measures of a Man

I've all too often been told what makes a man. Crazy enough is the fact that most of those times its by non-men. Boys proclaiming their men because of some contrite display of machismo, maybe bringing in a couple dollars, or girls naïve or perhaps greedy think a man becomes so once he's willing to provide for them or women have been known to play on a man's ego trying to hurt his feelings by questioning his manhood- not sexual but more along the lines of dismissing the mans ability to handle the womans' perception of the man's responsibility. Or some believe having certain possessions one's own apartment perhaps- makes you of man status. First off a man is made a man by the things that he goes through. Not having an active father (he was there physically, but that's about it. He rarely lent himself emotionally) I had to learn what a man was on my own- just by living and going through those things. Luckily I had older brothers and not that they were the greatest of role models, but they play a huge role in my development. One should be able to learn and take something constructive out of every situation. So even if they did wrong I learned what not to do. And for me its important to know what makes a man because I'm raising a lil man myself. Recently it was posed to me that some men are misguided, thinking the measure of men is placing others before themselves and by doing so, they're neglecting their own happiness. Hmmmm. My answer to that? That is exactly what makes me the MAN I am today. Men must do the difficult things make the hard decisions because we can endure the punishment. And often our choices affect others, others who may not be as strong as us to endure the pain of our decisions. That is what makes the decision difficult- but we must weigh the amount of those negatively affected versus those positively enhanced and we must always strive to decide in the favor of the greater number especially when we are on the side of the minority the lesser number. I will always place the happiness of those closest to me before my own. Why? Because I can live with that. Knowing that my sacrifices betters the life of another gives me satisfaction. And as far as not living the life I may want to live or doing the things I want to do? Well that's challenge of men: living with your decisions and finding a way to overcome all odds. So to recap a man is measured by learning from all influences be it negative or positive; a man is measured by his ability to make the unpopular decision that he thinks is beneficial to the greater number of people involved; a man stands by that decision even if wrong he lives with the regrets carries on with no excuses. Now of course there is way more to man hood this is just a brief response to something I read recently. Plus I'm sure Simplicity has her two cents...

Simplicity: Of course I do!

Confuscious said, "Wheresoever you go, go with all of your heart."
In response to your proclamation of the measure of a man, I am writing the measure of a woman. Granted the measure of a man can't truly be known or bestowed upon one by way of someone who isn't a "man". But, take the word, "woman." Man is the root of the word and I interpret the w-o- to signify w/o man because the two can't go without the other, just as wo is not a word without other letters.
A woman may feel obligated to voice her opinion in regard to what makes a man. Forgive her, that comes from the redundancy of poor decision-making on the part of men she's previously encountered in all walks of her life. A woman is measure by the strength she is able to find when the man by her side is in need of reinforcement and that includes pointing out the negative along with the positive. While men claim to be capable of living with decisions they've made at the sacrifice of their happiness it is an impulsive statement to make, let alone try to stand by.
But, the true measure of a man is not in in the mistakes or decisions he's made but in the time it takes him to grow and try to right his wrongs.
I'll agree that the decisions men make and the experiences he's experienced have much to do with his growth. But, doesn't growth imply a sense of maturing, for example going from boy to a young man to a man?
No one can see the future, nor predict the results of a decision made in the present, all we can do is draw comparisons between similar or identical situations in an attempt to prevent someone from making the wrong decision, which you've seen fail yourself.
Furthermore, the measure of a man, it's safe to say, includes but is not excluded to the individual development of him wholeheartedly because over time, though you claim you can live unhappily, subliminally you will grow into a misery that can not be ignored.
I will respect your opinion and agree that you've made valid points by way of experience and your evident wisdom.
However, I will conclude that without man, women can not learn to act within reason and not 100% emotionally, and without women, men can not accept their shortcomings and truly grow from them because ultimately, it's the love and relationships we share with others that shape and define us, and allow us to formulate our conclusions about ourselves...
Right?

You...

Simplicity:

...ever stop to wonder why human beings are capable of feeling so many different things at once?
question what it is that separates the mentality of a man and that of a woman?
Have you ever hoped for something you knew deep down just simply could never be?
This specifically to the men out there:
(be honest) have you ever felt the pain of a broken heart equivalent to the weight of the Himalayas crashing down on you?
I guess tonight as I listen to the rain and watch the game... which isn't very entertaining due to the lack of an interesting match-up (Kobe vs. Dwight... not really doing it for me) I'm questioning reason.
Trying to understand exactly why things are as they are.
Granted everything happens for a reason and we may very well never know what that reason is.
How come the reasoning within our heads never results in cohesion between two people in love?
How come there always seems to be a big boulder preventing the perfect match from simply being?
Maybe it's me personally seeing as that many people are happy with their significant others and I'm simply single and hating it...
But, I truly believe that there is something missing and that not everyone is with their soul mate because otherwise there'd be a lot less depressed and divorced people!
Do people choose to settle because it makes sense or because they can't fathom something great truly being placed in front of them and them being allowed to have it without tears and turmoil?
I don't know.. Maybe I've had too many shots at this thing called love and I know the difference between liking someone a lot, loving someone and being in love.
Yet I'm still left with only the pain of remembering and not actually having.
Does it come back off it's own accord or is that all we get... a glimpse of heaven in someones eyes that just goes away just as quickly as the blink of his eyes?
Sean, why isn't it simpler?

Sean:

Because this is life n love and all too often things that feel too good to be true often are. Take for example the dream match of kobe and lebron. How often do we really get to see perfectly matched counterparts collide either in battle or in cohesion? There's always a boulder- a dwight howard- which comes along and gets in the way of the oft sought inevitable wonderfulness aka the dream match. In Life & Love pain is all inevitable and dreams seldom come true. The odds if not the Gods, are against us. With billions of people spread across millions of miles how can 1 man expect to find their exact perfect match? I defy you to place 50 exclusively different pairs of socks in a bag, one individual sock at a time. One by one take them back out. How often do you think you'd find the perfect match? So instead of keep trying we pick 2 socks which are close enough in color n style. And as weird as someone with mismatched socks looks, it doesn't look so weird when the vast majority also sport mismatched socks.

Simplicity:
p.s. I hate your response!

Do you know how hard it is...

Simplicity:

...to wake up and know the person you love is waking up next to the wrong person every day
but you still hope that they're happy even if it's not with you?
Or wanting someone you know is physically beside someone else every night?
I suppose it doesn't feel as bad for the person who isn't alone.
Sometimes I wonder do men and women ever sit back and really evaluate themselves and their lives?
Or whether they consider what would actually make them happy and not just the people around them?
It seems like the easy way out is never truly the easy way...
at least not for both parties involved.
So today, my question is this: When do we realize that trying to make it work is only necessary when something better doesn't seem to exist and how do we proactively solicit the "right" protector of our hearts?

Because I know the past is a fluid concept running with low viscosity through our every day decisions I have learned to accept that it can not and will not be changed. We simply have the future to look forward to and should not turn our heads to opportunities that present themselves in the most obvious of shapes and forms.
Do you know how hard it is to give into your hearts unmatched power with regard to loving someone else with every part of you no matter how much logic is smacking you around and telling you to run away while you still have the chance?
How hard is it for someone to admit their true emotions and accept that in the future she may be left with less than what she started with?

It's unbelievably difficult! Damn near impossible to live a life in which one reverts back to a time without the most evident precursor to a happy future.

Sean:

...To lay next to one while thinking of another? To share "couple moments" with a great girl but who ultimately may not be the one that's meant for you? To fight your natural instinct constantly and fervently? Yes I do know how hard it is and I knew prior to the decision how hard it would be. But I also knew God only puts us through difficult things that we can handle. I know 'that which does not kill us only makes us stronger'.
Doing what's best for others is the epitome of selflessness. Its the creed by which the "reasonable person" doctrine was developed to follow. And with that said when one makes a decision there will always be people who are better off and people who are worse off; but the compromise is making the decision that benefits the majority of the people involved. Many times that requires doing one of the hardest things a man will have to do- deny his own happiness. What makes us men is not doing what we want to do, its doing what we have to do- that which encompasses the greater good for greater number of people.
Yes its unbelievably difficult, damn near impossible- but "difficult takes a day & impossible takes a week".

Is it better to have loved and lost?

(I guess i'll go first for a change)

Sean:

Someone once said tis better to have loved and lost than to never have experienced love at all. A friend begged to differ, paraphrased and related this quote and school of thought to material things, stating: its better to have never had money than to have been rich and then go broke.
I'm not sure to which belief I subscribe yet. But in matters of the heart I may have to disagree with ol' Billy S. (William Shakespeare) After knowing a love like I experienced, if I cannot get back to that level of happiness I would have preferred never to have known that it existed. You don't miss that which you never had. How could one go from such an exquisite high to bland existence?
Love is a vixen, a temptress and Carl Thomas said it best I wish I never met her at all!

damn, babe.... I guess i have to wait for you to finish this one so I can offer an appropriate response.. the last line stung a bit though... but this is what I was working on the last time I came on with regard to this topic:

Simplicity:

...then to have not loved at all?"

Some things are simply uncontrollable. I would sit here and say that in my personal experience, to love and lose is the worst pain of all because if you have never loved then you really don't have a specific feeling to miss.

But, my mind is conflicted simply because I can't imagine my life without knowing love

especially not knowing his.

See it's a feeling I'd surely miss or feel incomplete without.

The lack of it in my life creates a void that if I knew nothing of would be the equivalent of insufficient.

If I never knew love then my life wouldn't be considered anything but adequate and I'd prefer extraordinary if at all possible.

I honestly couldn't say I'd accept never loving at all over loving and losing, because once you've loved, a twinge of hope exists inside that you someday will meet love again.

Maybe I'm a massachist but I imagine a day when that love that I've found will coexist with it's

counterpart in me.

I miss you, but I would never wish to have never met you at all.

Considering...

Simplicity:

...the endless possibilities that existed is the same thing as dwelling.
When you fall in love I don't believe it's possible to fall out. So what's the use of considering the possibilities? Is it true that the end represents exhaustion of the possibility? I believe that love is what you make it.... for the most part. But, there's something inside of me that supports the notion of 1 true love and fate and destiny etc. If the feeling comes once in a lifetime.. how come it can take you from high to low in a matter of 5 minutes. I had a conversation that was supposed to be representative of the end of something between someone very special to me but I went back and forth with the thought that it simply would never be considered an end.... But, at the end of the day my considerations are simply my considerations or me dwelling on something that this special someone simply is not. Because if he was thinking of it the way I was, and quite frankly still am, then he would never have come to the decision that we'd reached our conclusion. Right? Even when something makes sense for lack of a better term.... it doesn't necessarily make happiness. So I suppose the real question is why are people quicker to settle for less than what they really want when what they really want is staring them in the face but is something brand new and unknown to them? In the act of love... is fear the contender? And even further, does love lose the battle? I can only imagine my life a certain way and in that image... love trumps all, I'd rather die a thousand deaths than allow myself to give in to the fear of the unknown for the sake of my truest love. But, maybe that's the hopeless romantic or old soul inside of me holding on to something that may not exist.

So, Sean... tell me. Since our form of communication has been diminished to short text messages and I feel my only option is this blog... tell me your perception on considering the end, and why we settle for less than what we deserve and put ourselves through the pain of wanting for something you could and should simply have? More specifically, why would you put yourself through the pain I imagine you're feeling because it's a constant for me.

Or maybe I'm a fool for thinking it's mutual.

Sean:


In a battle between your heart in your mind there is no true winner. However you look at it you lose. YOU lose the person you think is your best friend or the person you feel is your best friend. YOU lose the person that's been on your mind with every decision you made or the person that's been in your heart possibly guiding these decisions. YOU lose a piece of yourself...that you will never get back. Love is a disguised form of suicide- no matter how you look at it a part of you dies. If you lose the love of your life, you are eternally affected. If you marry the love of your life, YOU no longer exist as YOU is replaced by US. Either way YOU die. The worst type of suicide are the kamikazee style suicides: where you kill not only yourself but also others around you. My decision wasn't one that propelled the known over the unknown for I know life with you would be blissful for me. But my decision was to choose someone else's LIFE (and subsequent happiness) over mine.

Dear Sean

::sigh::

Seeing as that only my notebook knows what's truly in my heart, I had to take this opportunity to tell you everything I'm about to say.
I woke up today and literally felt a broken heart barely beating in my chest.
I tried to carry on with my normal morning activities and almost had an immediate heart attack when I got out the shower and smelled smoke.
Last night, I was completely in a daze and left a candle burning in the living room... all night! this morning I found a piece of paper burning next to it and panicked.
Luckily the candle waited until this morning before the flame got out of control.
Anyway, that's a slight tangent.
So, today we're off to start new things.... and the only thing I could think about is you...
The mornings I woke up and prepared for your arrival...
The nights I went to sleep listening to your voice tell me you love me over and over again.
I feel fragile. It feels like is someone says exactly the right thing I'll literally crumble into a million and one pieces.
I decided I can't go through my day with this feeling so that's why I'm creating this post to show you how I feel, felt and will continue to feel.
I love you and it hurts to think that this is it.
I woke up ever so often last night from really bad dreams about losing you and when I realized that they were simply real life I felt the tears well up in my eyes and tried hard to fall back asleep.
I hope that you're doing better than me because I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone, not even the newly inducted members of that stupid sorority.
Loving you is so much easier than trying to let go... so let's make a pact (one you promise not to break):
We will love each other until God pulls our hearts apart.

I miss you more than words can say...

-Simplicity

Commencement

Hey Papa!!! I know our blog is supposed to be about the varying perceptions on certain topics between men and women but I wanted to take this opportunity to embarrass you on our blog and say congratulations! I'm extremely proud of you. I know you're too cool to act like its a big deal to you, (chill, I know it is) so I'm gonna keep being this excited because today is a very big day and it means so many things...

ok.. i'll stop here... I'll write the rest in the pretty card I got you :)

I love you.

-Simplicity

When You're Ready...

Simplicity:
the world around you plays a very small role if any at all in your decision.
the questions of what if? seem to disappear,
while you focus on the questions of when?
every moment planning fills you with more excitement...
When you're ready.

Luckily, I've been given a fair shot at love and can decipher fact from fiction.
When I'm ready... he will be too and it will simply be a matter of how to pose the question.
I imagine something less staged and more personal...
Laying in bed blogging together and then him typing it on our next post and publishing it before I'm done so at my leisure when I'm ready to hit "view blog," it's staring me in my face in BIG RED LETTERS.
Chill, don't get any ideas Mr. Champagne. ::lol::
But love is... whatever you make it, with the person who makes your heart skip beats,
And makes your lips form the words "I love you" with ease,
And infiltrates your system with thoughts and ideas of "what-we-could-be's"
So, when you're ready you'll know and he won't hesitate to share his readiness with you.

What do you think?

Sean:

If only life was as simple as love. You see my dear, love is a concept, not a tangible object. As men we love tangible goods! Toys to hold and display, in a show of bravado proclaiming that "My shit is better than yours!" What's this have to do with love and marriage? Simple see, men have to be the best at everything. Our cars must be cleaner, our girls must look badder, and our relationships, marriages must be better. To a man the root to invincibility is through the all mighty dollar. Therefore you'll hear men giving you that tired bullshit of, "I love you, and I wanna get married but my paper ain't right...." Well ladies sorry to break it to you but that's a real concern for men. Not having the proper finances or not being in position to totally support your woman is a real threat to a mans ego. So the question of "when" and the state of "readiness" can actually be measured in monetary terms. We need the house, in which you prepare our meal as you patiently await my arrival from a long days work. We need the two cars: his and hers. One for the floss the other for the chores. We need the security of material things to assure our lady's comfort-- letting her know that "Not only do i love you, but boo, I got you!" Although the idea of coming up, struggling, and building together seems romantic, the idea of having mine to share with you is even better for men. Marrying purely for love is a thought foreign to a mans psyche.

I mean after all what's love got to do with it?