in love or indifferent?

"Success is uncommon, therefore not to be enjoyed by the common man. I'm looking for uncommon people."

I think I made no bones about it in my last post that I'm not the biggest "fan" of love. But while my favorite writer (checkout candicesonya.blogspot.com) is taking a hiatus from intriguing us with poetic masterpieces on the subject of affection to talk about Bikes (for real though- bikes? What are you jay-z and that's your "death of auto tune"? Have you run out of things to say?!")I will take up the task of provoking your thoughts on love.
When scrolling through the list of things you love about your significant other, ever notice that you mention things that are totally generic and very rarely unique to that person? We say things that can be found in almost any other human being: his/her smile, she's nice or thoughtful, he's tall dark and handsome etc.»Who isn't?!
For example I fell in love with two woman of very similar qualities: beautiful, thick, smart and funny. Now its very rare for me to find women funny and this led to me being so in love with these two phenomenal women- but overall there are literally millions of smart funny pretty thick women and 80% of them could be found in college! So I have to ask myself do I run the risk of falling in love with every woman that fits this build? And if so I must attest that it wasn't the two aforementioned ladies that I was in love with- it was their type that truly captivated me. So is the true conquest of happiness through finding your soul mate a matter of finding that true love- which are ultimately just an uncommon blend of common characteristics or finding that person who is totally different from anything you ever encountered?
I'm egotistical so for me to be comfortable in any relationship I have to believe that I am absolute best choice for the person I'm with. I can't feel as if the other person is simply settling for me: I have to be their number 1 choice among a plethora of viable options. So to achieve this I try to differentiate myself from every other man on earth! I want to be everything to my lady; so that when asked why she's in love with me she says things that are uniquely me, (he's funny handsome, brilliant strong cooks cleans gives me pedis remodels the house changes my tires fixes my alternator does my hair sews my gowns- ok no one man does all that but u get the idea!) she says things that no other female can name while detailing the reason they love their mates, she says "I love him because he's Sean (and there's no other man on earth like him)."
Simplicity...?

Simplicity:

"his/her smile, she's nice or thoughtful, he's tall dark and handsome etc.»???" All of these things are unique to an individual as they can be nice in emotional and physical ways, her smile can bring you to your brightest of smiles, her height and features can be so perfectly fitting to specifically her.

There's nothing wrong with voicing the tangible things be them generic in your opinion because the way you are or your generic qualities are specific to you.

I have struggled time and again trying to decipher or explain rather, why you love a person... but the main qualities about someone are physical and that is what initially draws you to them. The emotional aspects, him/her being funny and intellectual follow the initial attraction and exploring that emotional in addition to the physical is what makes us connect to other people. The man that I'm in love with will most definitely be unique because otherwise I'd be a big mess in love with everyone else that makes me laugh and is somewhat handsome. But, it has to do with the level of comfort you establish with a person, the laughter and great conversations are feasible with anyone but it's with whom you feel most stimulated that you can't wait to continue or spark a new conversation with.

I will argue that every time a person loves someone it is a different and unique experience. AND, it is not generic to point out the obvious things because those things are generic in the broad sense however, those obvious things are ultimately what leads a person to find their counterpart in another and to be able to experience being in love.

So in love vs. indifferent...?
If you have to question it, I'd question my own reason for being on this Earth, and the reason for which that person entered your life and stirred up all these conflicting, confusing, badly-timed feelings and emotions.

Is love over rated?

Mmmmm. I know unequivocally this will draw Simplicity's ire. She is a huge believer in love. A follower of love...Much like its a religion. Me? I'm neutral to a fault. No religion to claim no real passion for life. I just exist. But I'm more a fan of happiness and every one's own rightful pursuit of happiness. So I ponder can one have happiness without having "true love"? I mean that 1 true person who was created purely to spend the rest of eternity with you type of true love. I would have to say yes. I may be a bit materialistic but give me a full bank account and an empty bed over a full bed and empty bank account. Those who say money can't buy happiness never had money before. Now I'm no Bill Gates but I had a nice run and one Summer in particular was "The Summer of Sean". I didn't have a love on my arm- I had plenty of loves on my arms!!!lol. But each time in my life maybe 3-4 times, that I think I stumbled upon my true love it has never worked out and it ends in heart ache. So what is this thing called love? It won't clothe you feed you shelter you so why is it necessary?
(This is what u call an ally hoop! Simplicity, I served this one up to you on a platter, a lay up! Go ahead & take it away...)

Simplicity:

Okay Sean, since you have obviously lost your mind I'm going to have to go off on this one.
Granted you are constantly playing devil's advocate, i find it hard to sit here and read your words as truth.
Men and women differ in many ways, but love?
Love is the one thing that brings a man and a woman together, that allows them to forget all the other bullshit, even if only momentarily and enter a state of exploration together. Now, many people may make the argument that true love is subjective, this is true.. BUT, there's no denying it's effects on us! Sean, you said the 3-4 times you thought you'd found your true love it ended in heart ache.... ask yourself why or how it ended that caused the heartache. I'm sure you were the creator of the end and thus brought about self-inflicted pain. But, also ask yourself, how were each of those instances different and try to observe those differences as growing points. Do you truly believe love is overrated if you've experienced 3 or 4 completely different things with 3 or 4 different women? Better yet, the feeling that you feel when it is forcefully brought to an end should be evidence enough that it's not overrated because it leaves you feeling empty when you no longer have it or are permitted to have it...
While you're in the state of being in love, you experience a happiness like no other. Granted, money makes the world go around... love makes us sane.
So, I'll challenge you to live the rest of your life in an empty bed with all the money in the world and then see me on the other side to tell me that love is overrated...
But wait, you'd never be able to do that because the love you have for your son is that of which you would never be able to live without.... I know we're talking about men and women, but love exists in many shapes and forms just on different levels.
I wouldn't say love is my religion... but I will say that I will never grow bitter towards it because it's been good to me.... the person or situations I've fallen in love with or in on the other hand may have been the cause for any lasting pain felt.
I'm not rich, and I'm also not poor, but I'm filled with a twinge of happiness as i have memories of my one true love to get me through this thing called life.
That's not ever to be considered overrated in my eyes.

we've all seen Love Jones if not... shame on you!... Real, Rugged, Raw emotions felt that couldn't keep these two apart, no matter how much hurt, bad timing, or distance was experienced or placed between them.... Movies are derived from real life situation and this was one of the realest movies I've ever seen.

She gets the kids he gets the bills

Why is it when men and women split its automatically assumed the women get the children? I have a real issue with that undocumented 'mandate'. (Unless you're Jon from "- Kate" shit all them damn kids? She got that! Just kidding)See women think the children are more theirs than it is a 50/50 split. Unless you were IV'd ladies you need the man just as much as he needed you to create this miracle. Women are the soil, the dirt-oops I mean the Earth, in which men plant the seed the oven in which men place the turkey or the proverbial "bun". The man places the ingredients for the child into the women. But I have women who insist they are more responsible for the birth of the child. Now granted I take nothing away from a woman's strong display during pregnancy. During pregnancy is like that adage about the bacon and egg breakfast: women became the pig and the men become the chickens in the bacon and egg breakfast. Meaning the mans involved but the woman's committed! But as for conception its 50/50 if not more towards the man in terms of "responsibility". But however the pregnancy stage does not give the woman the right to claim the child as "more hers" than the fathers. I believe that only men can raise men. So if I'm ever in a relationship that doesn't work and we have a son please believe I strongly support the notion that the boy should go with the father. Legal systems with its custody battles have it way too screwed up. Especially considering that some men pay child support for children that were proven in a court of law not to be theirs! Sorry ladies as progressive as I try to be I guess I'm old fashioned on this one to the men belong the sons.

Simplicity: (not really sure if I got that bacon and eggs metaphor Sean... but I'ma let you rock with that one : p )
Seeing as that I do not have a child, I'm not sure with how much validity I can speak. However,
I am aware of one too many situations where dramatic lifestyles are being lived out with regard to babies and parents.
Not being a mom, ladies, I can't quite argue for us keeping the kid especially as Sean makes a very good point:
If the man is willing to provide and support his son, he is the best person to raise him into a true, "man."
The same goes for women, a girl raised in the environment of a man without any female mother figures will view life from a different perspective than one raised by a woman.
Granted, I can't sit here and say that these two circumstances are inevitably tragic, because it's been done before but the bond between a mother and daughter and that between a man and woman is one that can not be replaced or regenerated with anyone else. I think it's a shame that we fall victim to the struggles of custody because if those in relationships could simply calm down and realize... this can be done. we both can be the parents of our children and make the compromise to willingly let the rightful person have the child the world would be a much more civilized place. However, this is not our dreams come true and reality is, many women do feel that carrying a child for 9 months warrants them all rights and custody to him or her.
Sean, you can't imagine the feelings that arise inside of a woman even when she simply suspects she's pregnant and doesn't know if she is or she isn't. But, at the same time the two of you felt a certain way about each other at a certain time which created this beautiful child so that same love and care that nurtured the baby thus far should be a great factor in the decision. It should not be a matter of arguing and who can provide the most supporting evidence for who is entitled to the child because frankly, you're right. It is a 50/50 process in terms of conception and those women who don't understand that it's a great thing to have a man wanting to own up to and care for his son are the one's that you should have avoided in the first place, because ultimately she never understood you to begin with!
While this is a scenario no one in a relationship looks forward to or plans for it is something that in this day and age should be looked at and addressed prior to any long term commitments even if its in a hypothetical sense, this way both men and women will know what possibilities exist.
I support the ratified "mandate" and agree that it should not be a fight or struggle and that this understanding should be enforced earlier than later.

P.s. just because the baby lives with one parent or another, does not mean the one he or she is not with falls absent to their upbringing, it just means he or she will be raised in one respect compared to another.

Got Kids?

Sean: So if you've noticed the posts this week following fathers day have been about manhood- & that's a complete coincidence. But since we're on that theme I figure we shall continue. Today I want to talk about a mans commitment to his family. I often worry that having a son would deter woman from wanting a relationship with me (if ever I needed to hit "the market" again and strike up a new relationship that is) and I have come across some that flat out said I don't date guys with kids. Wow! Women are something. But, the majority of the women I've encountered respects the responsibility that comes along with fatherhood. And if your a dad handling your business that says a lot to women and actually makes you a more attractive prospect. However I must pose this question to the fellas: if a woman has a child and she's doing everything taking care of the child does that make her a more "viable" option? Sadly I must admit most brothers are immature in the way we view relationships and things of that matter. Most men will opt for a woman w/o kids fearing...hell, I don't what they're afraid of! I know some ladies are wary of "Baby Mama Drama"- god I hate that term! So perhaps fellas fear a similar recourse from the father of a woman's child. See, my oldest brother who is many years my senior had his father die when he was a small child and my dad raised him from when he was a boy. So I have never had an issue with being with a woman with children because that's what I saw growing up. But for those with some hang ups about the issue I'd like to hear your opinions...

Simplicity:

Boys will be boys, and girls will be girls.
It takes a grown man, like Sean for instance to be willing to enter into a relationship with a woman that has a child. Likewise, it takes a grown woman to accept a man with a child.
I can speak from personal experience, as a young woman or girl I guess I should say I was terrified of dealing with a man with a child because I couldn't imagine being involved with a situation that involved the words, "Oh, I have the baby tonight," or "let me see if my son's mother will.." etc. But, ever since I was 18... it seemed as though the majority of quality men I'd come across were no stranger to fatherhood. I'll admit, at first it raised a big flag because there's no denying that it is an awkward situation.
Just until recently, I subliminally promised not to be with a man with a child because although i love a good competition, there's no competition between the new girl and the "baby's mama" (i hate that term too). And, part of me still believe that.
But, I will say my growth has allowed me to welcome the possibility of it.
Nothing in life is said to be easy, and I won't turn someone down just because he's already had a child. If we do, ladies, you never know the beautiful possibilities that could exist between the two of you.
Respect the man more so for taking up his responsibility and being a good father rather than judge him for getting a girl pregnant.
It happens, and lets be realistic statistics prove despite all necessary precautions... IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!
So men, please don't run scared from those of us women who have kids, (myself not being one of them but if I was I wouldn't want to fall into the category of Unwanted)
And ladies, give him a chance because maybe 1 time out of 10, the "baby mama" is truly just that and the feelings are gone... granted 9 times outta 10, she's not and you'll end up falling in love and getting pushed aside for her!.. that's the risk worth taking if you get to experience a true love.
Just kidding, it is a big risk, and it takes a strong, mature woman to be able to accept all possibilities in that situation, speaking from experience.
I'm a survivor so I can speak on this one with much validity... :)
Although I didn't win the competition that man learned a new walk of life and loved me like he will never love someone else and there's no denying that. It is simply a strong bond to break and it may never be broken between a man and the mother of his first child but if it's meant to be...
Hell, you know the rest!

Picking Up the Check: Why Can't She?

Simplicity:

This is not a promotional material for Independent Women, because let's face it ladies, as much as we love to do for ourselves there's nothing like having a man who wants to do for you. This is more about the understanding we have as to why we want to display our independence at times or in other words, insist on "picking up the check."

{Break in the post:: I truly wanted to speak on this before Mr. Champagne got his hands on it... but how can I carry on with my bravada of Womanhood after his views?! You can choose to scroll down and read Sean's response before mine as that is how it was posted. ANYWAY, back to the regularly scheduled program of "Picking Up the Check: Why Can't She?"}

Sean, while I understand your explanation as to why this act may pose a problem to your manhood.... Man Up! Lmao... okay, so we're constantly hearing that the views of others have nothing to do with you and the person you're dealing with. However, when it comes down to matters of tradition that is the #1 excuse men choose to explain their need for displaying their "manliness" in a relationship.
In 2009, I feel encouraged to support wherever possible. While some may argue that it's about being able to and has nothing to do with wanting to, I certainly have moments when I am so damn appreciative of having a man wanting and enable to pay for the movie, dinner, or 1.29 Coke from McDonald's just because I had a nonpregnant craving for it!
The gesture is sweet and the weariness of other's noticing me reaching into my wallet troubling your already somewhat troubled psyche or ego I guess I should say is amusing.
But, understand (for me at least) the insistence of picking up the check is to eliminate the potential for you complaining of being broke later! Ha! Okay.. that was a little harsh, but times are hard and no matter how well off someone may be.... or think they are... everyone could use a little help. If i can contribute in small or big ways I will most certainly opt to do so and would hope to be respected and admired for it not ridiculed and penalized with looks of "are you kidding?" or "put your damn hands down and don't you dare reach into your purse!"
I love that you are able to admit you've fallen victim to perception Sean... because we all do... but in the mind of myself and hopefully the remaining quality women out there, it is not about the perception of others. It is about the desire within to help those that we love.
Wouldn't you rather releasing a sigh of relief knowing that you got it but at the end of the day if it's necessary the beautiful woman beside you got you too?

I think this song is fitting although I couldn't find the original version:
"03" Bonnie & Clyde (Feat.Beyonce) - Jay-z

Sean:

Ah yes. Once again we are trapped in that paradigm known as public opinion and/or tradition. You know, the things that "THEY" say. "They" say men are suppose to open doors and pull chairs and pick up checks. Well have you ever asked yourself, "Who are "they" and should I believe what "they" say? We are constantly judged by our actions, based on the reasonable person mandate- Well I'm sorry but I'm not a reasonable person! I have trouble determining the etiquette involving the issue of women paying.
Honestly I believed it derived from a sense of entitlement. At the risk of sounding sleazy: I believe it came from an arrangement whereas if the man handled a dates expenses he felt and maybe even the woman felt she owed him. Yes, I mean sexually! Now, I like to try to be 'progressive' at least sometimes, and I understand the empowerment that comes with paying for things. So theoretically, I'm in full support of women paying, sometimes.(Especially because I'm cheap and put out easy ladies- just kidding...I'm rather expensive ha!)
However, I must admit I fall victim to perception and have on occasion had arguments with lady friends about them paying. At the time of purchase if a women goes for her purse it feels as if the entire establishment stops and looks at us and its a bit emasculating. You want the women to feel empowered but do you do it at the risk of being weakened? After much debate resulting from my female friends paying for things I've come up with the great compromise: in public the man shall pay and in private the lady shall reimburse him. And I don't mean sexually!

In response to Simplicity:
Ouch! I'm just saying sweetie if a woman goes out with a man and he doesn't pick up the check or atleast offer to, that will give you and your home girls fodder for years to come!
Homegirl #1: "Girl I'm glad you marrying Carl. You came a long way from dating chumps like...what was that guys name? The one you went to Che Maurices' with and he didn't even pick up the check?!"
Homegirl #2: "That was Carl. You see how much I trained him though right!!!"
Ya'll be all over a brother if he don't pay.
Simplicity- you know I know!

Measures of a Man

I've all too often been told what makes a man. Crazy enough is the fact that most of those times its by non-men. Boys proclaiming their men because of some contrite display of machismo, maybe bringing in a couple dollars, or girls naïve or perhaps greedy think a man becomes so once he's willing to provide for them or women have been known to play on a man's ego trying to hurt his feelings by questioning his manhood- not sexual but more along the lines of dismissing the mans ability to handle the womans' perception of the man's responsibility. Or some believe having certain possessions one's own apartment perhaps- makes you of man status. First off a man is made a man by the things that he goes through. Not having an active father (he was there physically, but that's about it. He rarely lent himself emotionally) I had to learn what a man was on my own- just by living and going through those things. Luckily I had older brothers and not that they were the greatest of role models, but they play a huge role in my development. One should be able to learn and take something constructive out of every situation. So even if they did wrong I learned what not to do. And for me its important to know what makes a man because I'm raising a lil man myself. Recently it was posed to me that some men are misguided, thinking the measure of men is placing others before themselves and by doing so, they're neglecting their own happiness. Hmmmm. My answer to that? That is exactly what makes me the MAN I am today. Men must do the difficult things make the hard decisions because we can endure the punishment. And often our choices affect others, others who may not be as strong as us to endure the pain of our decisions. That is what makes the decision difficult- but we must weigh the amount of those negatively affected versus those positively enhanced and we must always strive to decide in the favor of the greater number especially when we are on the side of the minority the lesser number. I will always place the happiness of those closest to me before my own. Why? Because I can live with that. Knowing that my sacrifices betters the life of another gives me satisfaction. And as far as not living the life I may want to live or doing the things I want to do? Well that's challenge of men: living with your decisions and finding a way to overcome all odds. So to recap a man is measured by learning from all influences be it negative or positive; a man is measured by his ability to make the unpopular decision that he thinks is beneficial to the greater number of people involved; a man stands by that decision even if wrong he lives with the regrets carries on with no excuses. Now of course there is way more to man hood this is just a brief response to something I read recently. Plus I'm sure Simplicity has her two cents...

Simplicity: Of course I do!

Confuscious said, "Wheresoever you go, go with all of your heart."
In response to your proclamation of the measure of a man, I am writing the measure of a woman. Granted the measure of a man can't truly be known or bestowed upon one by way of someone who isn't a "man". But, take the word, "woman." Man is the root of the word and I interpret the w-o- to signify w/o man because the two can't go without the other, just as wo is not a word without other letters.
A woman may feel obligated to voice her opinion in regard to what makes a man. Forgive her, that comes from the redundancy of poor decision-making on the part of men she's previously encountered in all walks of her life. A woman is measure by the strength she is able to find when the man by her side is in need of reinforcement and that includes pointing out the negative along with the positive. While men claim to be capable of living with decisions they've made at the sacrifice of their happiness it is an impulsive statement to make, let alone try to stand by.
But, the true measure of a man is not in in the mistakes or decisions he's made but in the time it takes him to grow and try to right his wrongs.
I'll agree that the decisions men make and the experiences he's experienced have much to do with his growth. But, doesn't growth imply a sense of maturing, for example going from boy to a young man to a man?
No one can see the future, nor predict the results of a decision made in the present, all we can do is draw comparisons between similar or identical situations in an attempt to prevent someone from making the wrong decision, which you've seen fail yourself.
Furthermore, the measure of a man, it's safe to say, includes but is not excluded to the individual development of him wholeheartedly because over time, though you claim you can live unhappily, subliminally you will grow into a misery that can not be ignored.
I will respect your opinion and agree that you've made valid points by way of experience and your evident wisdom.
However, I will conclude that without man, women can not learn to act within reason and not 100% emotionally, and without women, men can not accept their shortcomings and truly grow from them because ultimately, it's the love and relationships we share with others that shape and define us, and allow us to formulate our conclusions about ourselves...
Right?

You...

Simplicity:

...ever stop to wonder why human beings are capable of feeling so many different things at once?
question what it is that separates the mentality of a man and that of a woman?
Have you ever hoped for something you knew deep down just simply could never be?
This specifically to the men out there:
(be honest) have you ever felt the pain of a broken heart equivalent to the weight of the Himalayas crashing down on you?
I guess tonight as I listen to the rain and watch the game... which isn't very entertaining due to the lack of an interesting match-up (Kobe vs. Dwight... not really doing it for me) I'm questioning reason.
Trying to understand exactly why things are as they are.
Granted everything happens for a reason and we may very well never know what that reason is.
How come the reasoning within our heads never results in cohesion between two people in love?
How come there always seems to be a big boulder preventing the perfect match from simply being?
Maybe it's me personally seeing as that many people are happy with their significant others and I'm simply single and hating it...
But, I truly believe that there is something missing and that not everyone is with their soul mate because otherwise there'd be a lot less depressed and divorced people!
Do people choose to settle because it makes sense or because they can't fathom something great truly being placed in front of them and them being allowed to have it without tears and turmoil?
I don't know.. Maybe I've had too many shots at this thing called love and I know the difference between liking someone a lot, loving someone and being in love.
Yet I'm still left with only the pain of remembering and not actually having.
Does it come back off it's own accord or is that all we get... a glimpse of heaven in someones eyes that just goes away just as quickly as the blink of his eyes?
Sean, why isn't it simpler?

Sean:

Because this is life n love and all too often things that feel too good to be true often are. Take for example the dream match of kobe and lebron. How often do we really get to see perfectly matched counterparts collide either in battle or in cohesion? There's always a boulder- a dwight howard- which comes along and gets in the way of the oft sought inevitable wonderfulness aka the dream match. In Life & Love pain is all inevitable and dreams seldom come true. The odds if not the Gods, are against us. With billions of people spread across millions of miles how can 1 man expect to find their exact perfect match? I defy you to place 50 exclusively different pairs of socks in a bag, one individual sock at a time. One by one take them back out. How often do you think you'd find the perfect match? So instead of keep trying we pick 2 socks which are close enough in color n style. And as weird as someone with mismatched socks looks, it doesn't look so weird when the vast majority also sport mismatched socks.

Simplicity:
p.s. I hate your response!